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Artie's avatar

This is so dark and twisted, I love it! The last sentence in your first paragraph is an awesome punch to the gut.

The ending is so revulsive, it's like it just kept getting worse and worse. Feels like a wonderful Frankenstein of common horror tropes that feels new and fresh.

If you don't mind a bit of feedback, though, I suggest some ways to really spruce up the writing even more.

I notice you use a lot of sentences beginning with a name or a pronoun: Hugo did this, he did this, etc. Try to play around with the word structure, find ways to deviate from SOV! The dream sequence paragraph was a fantastic example of this!

You also use a lot of flashback and summaries of events. May I suggest a more showy method? Rather than just telling us he used to kill neighborhood cats, show us a snippet of the actual scene taking place. A memory, a dream, flashback, or maybe imply it. Maybe Hugo takes out the trash where their corpses lie. Same could be said about Mary Beth's affair with Steve. Just the mention of his name will elicit theories from the reader. The divorce papers could be lying around somewhere.

The whole scene about the murder was wonderfully disgusting! It's more fun to be part of the action!

Ofc I don't recommend getting rid of the more summary-esque scenes entirely. It was great when it was describing the days going by, cleaning the basement, etc, because they're less interesting scenes, so that's a good use of it.

Overall I absolutely loved this piece! I just think it could be even more haunting! But just my silly opinion. Great job!

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